No bog paper, no tissues?

By March 25, 2020Society

For the third time in as many weeks, the supermarket down the road had absolutely no toilet paper. Neither were there any tissues, paper hand towels, soap, hand sanitiser or pasta. We weren’t going to buy any toilet paper, we just happened to walk down that aisle; we have plenty left for a few weeks. However, if the panic buying by the bogans or profiteers continues, we will eventually run out. We are not panic stricken about it, as some seem to be, because we have worked out what to do.

Back in the dim dark past when our kids were small and belonged to the developmental stage described by the phrase ‘an alimentary canal with a noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other’ they used to excrete into towelling nappies. When the babies were still on the boob, the poo wasn’t too rancid, but when they started solids, the smell could strip paint. When we’d change their nappies, I’d take the offensive nappy to the toilet, hold them in the bowl with both hands and push the flush button with my forehead, so the chunky bits would be washed away. I developed a slight circular depression on the middle of my forehead from the flush button, but my friends were too polite to ask me what caused it. After flushing, the offending nappy was put in a bucket of Napisan, a mild bleach, to get rid of the remaining skid marks. Then the nappy was washed (along with those from the previous couple of days).

So, to wipe your bum in the absence of bog paper, keep a bucket of Napisan nearby and use an old rag or towel to wipe the offending orifice, dump it in the Napisan and when there are a few in the bucket, stick them through the washing machine. No bog paper required! Nudists seem to have no trouble coping with this. On the Australian Broadcasting Corporation’s ‘You Can’t Ask That’ last night I learned that nudists carry a ‘bum towel’ around with them, which they sit on so they don’t leave skid marks on furniture, and as some of these nudists were apparently of advanced age, I’d expect that some of the skid marks on their towels would be fairly substantial. This reminded me of an interview I saw several years ago between Michael Parkinson and Billy Connolly, on the occasion of the latter turning 70. Parkinson asked Connolly something along the lines of ‘what have you learned’. Connolly replied: ‘when you get to seventy, never trust a fart’.

While it is easy to cope with having no bog paper, it is even easier to cope without tissues. Back in the old days when I was a kid, we had things called handkerchiefs you would blow your bugle into. You used to carry them around in your pocket and, if you had a cold, by the end of the day, you’d have a nice collection of boogs for your mum to scrape off, before she put the handkerchief in the washing machine. No tissues required!

So, while this all may sound a bit 1800s, this will be a small price to pay when it is alloyed with the joy of realising that the shattered hoarders of bog paper and tissues will wonder what the hell they are going to do with fifteen years’ supply of each now filling their garages. Serves them right.


  • Keryn booker says:

    Don’t worry the home affairs minister, dutton , is going to hunt down these toilet paper hoarders with the ” full force of the federal police” . He has finally got a task that he may be capable of. What the real point is , the supermarkets , Coles and Woolworths , have had a monopoly over our lives for 30 years, yet when needed, fail horrendously . Now everyone is packed into supermarkets spreading the virus , while all deliveries are suspended . And all click and collect. It’s a disgrace . Surely billion dollar companies can get their act together. As usual the punter is treated like crap. Talking about crap your last article was a bit too much information . But look forward to all your posts. Keryn Booker

    • admin says:

      Thanks, and yep; these big supermarkets have engaged in aggressive price cutting to destroy competition. I know of two instances of this where it was used to destroy family-run businesses. Pathetic and criminal.

  • JON says:

    Coincidentally had a similar discussion about cloth nappies/towels as a last resort in a supermarket queue just last week. I wonder if families with babies and toddlers have actually been buying cloth nappies in lieu (loo?) of disposables? My guess is not.

    Voldemort, aka Dutton, is full of the stuff we use toilet paper to wipe away. His ludicrous, table thumping about hoarders and exploiters is as hollow as Abbott’s claim that he would “shirtfront” Putin (it’s highly probable that the hapless Abbott – a “suppository” of religious conservative hypocrisy – didn’t actually know what shirtfront meant. He probably meant buttonhole but thankfully we’ll never know because as we know he neither confronted nor shirtfronted the Russian despot when he got the chance face to face in Qld).

    Back to Dutton. He’d do well to explain what laws hoarders and exploiters are actually breaking. The answer is (was) – NONE. In reality exploiters especially are doing EXACTLY what his side of politics supports – letting the market decide the price. I’ve seen metho and isopropyl alcohol on Ebay auctions going for more than 10X their normal market prices. All due to panic buying and market and supply chain failures. Obviously desperate and ignorant people are bidding. Apparently Dutton and his lap-dog Feds aren’t aware of this marketplace or they’d be using “national security” provisions to raid the joints of the sellers to save society. ROFLMAO.

    I find it hilarious that Voldemort and his cronies have suddenly become concerned about the effects of greed (and panic) in society when their whole ideology is based on avarice and moneyed power. As one of their ilk once infamously claimed – there is no such thing as society, only individuals and families. That’s the very first rule in the conservative/IPA play book. Doubt Voldemort has forgotten. He’s simply playing to the naive and easily-led public.

    • admin says:

      Yep. I saw a cartoon, by whom I can’t remember, which had a cloud of coronavirus in the top right corner; a big fat businessman falling from it into the safety of socialism at the bottom left. It perfectly sums up the situation.

  • Warren says:

    I’ll add to Billy Connolly’s wise advice. I’m not sure where this advice came from but adding to never trust a fart, never walk past a public convenience without using it, and never waste an erection – even if alone.

  • clive pegler says:

    consider a canberra sprinkler, (sure you’ve all got one), on a hose, (obviously), with a tap, (optional), placed strategically after the task has been performed and flushed. It’ll be fun, trust me 😀

    you will get used to it kids, and it’s only till the wankers stop buying all the toilet paper.

  • Warren says:

    I believe that as the weather becomes colder, the sprinkler technique will also do wonders for haemorrhoid problems.

  • JON says:

    Billy obviously hasn’t experienced our public conveniences.

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